From your description of your wife I would not recommend starting her off with a 9mm. The recoil and noise is going to be more than she can handle and will very likely sour her on shooting forever. I started my wife on a 22 pistol, a P07, with the Kadet adapter mounted atop it. She shot very well and really surprised me. Even this size frame was large for her small hands. The recoil and noise were not not her complaint. She accompanied me to a well stocked gun shop where she had the opportunity to handle numerous 22 pistols. The Ruger SR 22 was her final choice. This is a hammer fired, DA/SA with a de-cocker and has an external safety. She is able to rack this pistol by herself which is critical to carrying or shooting. This alone was a significant confidence builder for her. It comes as a kit with 2 - 10 rnd. mags, back strap change, brush, cleaning swab holder and lock for @ $300.00. With the 22 LR self defense ammo available today, this is a very good candidate for a small shooter. She now accompanies me to the range on a regular basis. Let me tell you this is, "her gun", and she is very confident using it. I would not want to be down range when she would flipped off the safety. Good luck to you Sir in your quest.